Jeanne Owens, author

Blog about author Jeanne Owens and her writing


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7 Signs You Might Be the Villain of a Story

Legends of Windemere

Venom: Lethal Protector Venom: Lethal Protector

Everyone believes they’re the heroes of the story.  Well, almost everyone outside of fiction since there are always the exceptions.  So, how can you tell if you’re really the villain?

  1. You have a lot of expendable minions wandering around your home.  I mean, you adopted them and gave them a job, which is very nice of you.  Still, they are very quick to rush to their demise on your orders.  Not to mention they’re all wearing the same uniforms, which gets confusing even with numbers on their backs.  It’s almost like they’ve been robbed of their individuality.  Is that what the Greeting Machine really does?
  2. People keep getting in the way of your plans.  Go out to dinner with your totally willing date?  A guy with a useless cape shows up to fight you before dessert.  Visit the bank to make a withdrawal?  An entire team of…

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7 Signs You’re a Destined Hero

Being a destined hero sure isn’t easy, is it?

Legends of Windemere

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The title is pretty self-explanatory.  Still, I should say something . . . Buy Crossing Bedlam for 99 cents because it has NOTHING to do with destiny.

  1. You get the feeling you’re being watched.  Not by anyone around you or anything in the shadows.  The laptop webcam has been covered by duct tape and the shades are drawn too.  Still, you can’t get over the idea that there is a large crowd of people watching your every move.  (If you’re on an HBO show then this includes bathing.)
  2. There is a strange mark on your body that is either easily covered or people ignore it unless it’s the focal point of an event.  You’re not sure where the thing came from or why getting laser surgery always results in the machine exploding.  The mark itches whenever you go near certain areas like libraries, graveyards, warehouses, or…

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7 Signs You Have a Dragon Infestation

Haha! As Bill Engval would say, “Here’s your sign.” Just be sure to stay out of the dragon’s affairs.

Legends of Windemere

Toothless Toothless

We’ve all been there.  Minding our own business when we stumble onto a sign that there are dragons nearby.  If we’re lucky, the beast is already gone or simply passing through the area.  Yet there are times where they stick around.  So here’s what to look for to see if you need an exterminator.

  1. You haven’t seen the cat in days.  Sure, Princess Tangerine wanders off from time to time.  This feels different.  Maybe it’s because she hasn’t reacted to you running the can opener over a loudspeaker.  Could even be the that her food bowl is missing . . . along with the floor it was on.
  2. There’s a lot of smoke in and around the house.  You’ve called the fire department, but that hasn’t stopped the problem.  Then again, the truck has been outside for the last few days, so maybe it’s a really big fight where you…

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7 Signs You’re a Fictional Assassin

Hahaha!

Legends of Windemere

Assassins Creed Assassins Creed

  1. Every article of clothing that you own has a hidden weapon.  This makes doing laundry very difficult and it is not uncommon for a knife to get stuck in the lint trap.  Let’s not even get into the challenge of removing blood from silk.
  2. You don’t remember the last time your phone rang and it wasn’t a gravel-voiced man with a request or sultry femme fatale.  There was that elderly librarian calling about a late fee, but that was for one of your aliases.  So it doesn’t count.  Especially since you’re pretty sure that persona died in a bus accident.
  3. You only have two modes: charming and cold.  There is nothing in the middle and you switch so easily that you aren’t sure which one is the real you.  One time you tried to be friendly and it resulted in 17 deaths, 3 collapsed buildings, and a cruise…

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7 Signs You Should Go Outside

Hahaha! Good thing I enjoy going out for nature walks.

Legends of Windemere

Yahoo Image Search Yahoo Image Search

  1. At the urging of loved ones, including the dying orchid in the corner, you decide to open the window.  Taking a big sniff of fresh air, you promptly pass out.  Apparently, you’ve been inside for so long that your body mistook the clean air for poison.  On the plus side, your trip to the hospital counts as getting out and meeting new people, so your family will leave you alone for a week.
  2. You answer the door for Halloween and kids run screaming from your terrifying ghost costume.  You consider it a step in the right direction since last year they thought you were a zombie.  Still, you might want to do something about being paler than an albino.
  3. The slightest ray of natural sunlight causes you to do your best Gizmo from Gremlins imitation.  Complete with high-pitched screaming about the bright light and the smell of burning…

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7 Signs You’ve Gone Too Far With Your Advertising

Hahaha! These are hilarious! Thankfully I’m not that far gone yet, and I haven’t turned into Jay Sherman…yet.

Legends of Windemere

A big chunk of an indie author’s life is promoting their books.  Whether it’s available or about to come out, you need to spread the word.  Yet, sometimes an author might go too far and things begin to unravel.  At least mentally.

  1. Your dreams appear in Twitter form and you are being chased by hashtags.  Trending topics fly through the background, most of them either politics or celebrity gossip.  The plus side is that you no longer have that nightmare about winning a badminton tournament and realize you’re naked.
  2. You proudly declare that you made 14 tweets, 3 Facebook promos, 1 blog post, 4 Google+ promos, 2 author interviews, and 10 guest posts before lunch.  Thankfully this declaration was on-line.  That way nobody knows you failed to shower, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, get dressed, let the dog out, pack a lunch for the kids, get them to the bus…

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7 Signs a Person is Suffering from Author Fatigue

Heh heh 🙂

Legends of Windemere

Yahoo Image Search Yahoo Image Search

Does this really need an intro?  Sure most, if not all, of us have been here at some point.  This is possibly a new thing I’ll do from time to time, which was inspired by John W. Howell’s Ten 10 Lists on Mondays.

  1. You start dreaming about editing and it steadily becomes a nightmare.  Their, there, and they’re attack out of the shadows.  You’re strapped to a chair and forced to watch all of your greatest typos play out in front of a giant crowd.  Also, you’re naked and the dog ate your manuscript.  Not sure where the dog came from, but it looks remarkably like your old English teacher who swore you wouldn’t be able to write your name much less a novel.
  2. You sit down to write at the laptop and blast away an epic chapter that is the best you’ve ever done.  Your…

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